Thursday, October 30, 2003 | Thursday, October 30, 2003

Ohh dear. Here i go again. Eunice, eunice, when will your problems ever end. Personal crisis again, thankfully its a laughable one, haha, whew. I'll get through it, just hafta grimace and figure a way to hit my point across to that particular person in the nicest way possible. On a brighter note, my dry run for pw's over! Haha, what a big relief. It went quite okay, there weren't any major screwups or anything, thank God. Although there was this one part at the beginning when eunice-ahsohfied was introducing us and went 'the second speaker is jamie...the third...dammit!..is eunice chen...and the fourth..'. Like, uhhh... A person who didnt know better would've thought.. oops. Major glitch. Although i had major stage fright and there were some parts when i almost lost my head and stuttered. APART from those very little unimportant details, think it went pretty well. And during the Q and A session, out of the 7 audience members present, there were like 3 bombarding me with their questions. The fourth would have too, but luckily Mrs Liang stopped him. Grr. Either there is something majorly wrong with my part of the presentation, or they thought i was too cute. xp Ok! Stop with the tomato-throwing! I'm glad tomorrow's a short day, can finally go out and buy the stuff i really need. OG!! Cheap place to get good *toots. Oh ya, and next friday's ao chinese too, just remembered. Since there isn't a speck of chance of me getting an A2...i won't study. Sigh. And then there's op exams: 10th nov. And SATs: 6 Dec. And my own church youth camp, which i've so not prepared for: 8-12 Dec. Not forgetting the cinderel-lah publicity drive: 22, 29 nov, 5, 15 dec. Apart from that i'm absolutely free! Like, free, baby. And there's a mosquito that's been bugging me since yesterday, got 2 bites on my butt now, don't ask me how they got there. Eww. Time to go and bug-spray this room!

Saturday, October 25, 2003 | Saturday, October 25, 2003

*idiotic grin. My mummy just gave me 200 bucks! For getting the two Cs so far :) Even though i didn't ask for it, but still, if she wants to give...i'm here! Arms open wide! I guess they weren't expecting me to get even pass either, so getting Cs must be a pleasant surprise. Gonna spend 5o bucks on this gigantic hardcover book, where they compiled all six books of Narnia into one, with all the illustrated pictures nicely done up in colour and printed on plastic pages. Was drooling over it with Clara at Times on thursday..finally i have the money to buy it! Plus my dad just gave me back my atm card after confiscating it for two years, finally! And that'd mean more money. Heehee. My life currently revolves around reading, i just realised. Every night before i sleep i'll read some pages of Max Lucado's book, which Mr Chua lent me perhaps 2 weeks ago. I got a bad feeling i won't finish it til like the end of this year, oops, going at such a slow rate. And nah, i wouldn't call my life mundane, even if i am reverting back to the bookworm status. It's good you know, to have a boring stage in your life where you can spend time reflecting on yourself and spend a little me time. My life used to revolve around the phone; now, i'm liberated. And you know, i just rediscovered my love for still-life sketching. Yesterday my whole family went to Botanic Gardens and christine and i just sat down on a hill and started sketching the scenery around. I just sat and sketched and sketched, even though the sun turned my neck bright red and ants were crawling up my legs and the gradient of the hill was against my favour (i was in danger of rolling down the hill if i'd just lost my balance). Ouch. I love my hut. :) All in all, yesterday was wonderful, spent family time, and i was nature girl for once. Life is beautiful.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 | Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Been putting this off, but can't any longer. I must must must thank God for my results so far. They aren't that wonderful, but seriously, at the rate i was studying (or not studying), i was 99% sure i wouldn't make it to next year. It was only, solely, purely through God's grace that i managed to scrape through with a C (whoopee!) for both geog and econs so far, if the school is going ahead with the new moderation. All that's left now is lit, getting back on monday. How do i describe this feeling? I was feeling so despaired last week; i was consoling myself with the fact that i could always go do mass comm in tp and work part-time at starbucks/coffeebean/whatever-coffee-franchise-->they would want me rite? i can make all the different kinds of coffee already, so they can always save on the training bit. It was always my dream to work in coffeebean or whatever; i'm passionate about coffee-making. Guess i can always go work there after As. I am grateful for my results, really. I'd only started studying two weeks before promos, and add the greatest blow i've ever had in my entire life (so far) one week before the exams then too...i really thought my jc life was over. I'm still picking up the pieces though, but i will be done eventually. One thing that will forever remain in our lives, no matter who or whatever circumstances changes, is God and His unfailing love. Friends may come and go, even family members may come and go, but God never will. He will always remain at my side.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 | Tuesday, October 21, 2003

There are no words for it. The one you have and you trust, you believe in it, take a chance on it. You are willing to sacrifice anything to keep it, no matter what the cost. --taken from smallville, Clark making a toast to Lex. Super sweet.

Saturday, October 18, 2003 | Saturday, October 18, 2003

Before i begin to start on anything, i just want to say that pw sucks. It sucks sucks sucks so bad i feel like screaming. Even though i'm blessed with responsible group members. This pw is also getting to me. And my diskette had to corrode on me, so that i had to retype certain parts of the report. Okay enough about that stupid piece-of-government-kiasufied-segment-of As-meant-to-stress-out-17-year-olds. As if As and SATs aren't enough stress inducements. Can't wait for the period after 12th dec when i can finally kick back and relax. Sigh. Also, the geog students in my class had a very BIG scare yesterday, when it was let out that in the entire cohort taking geog, only one student had an F for it, cuz of misreading one essay question. And that particular student just happens to come from my class, a girl. You know what that means right, that student won't get promoted, unless moderation's done, so my heart really skipped for that few moments. I don't know, but at that moment, i was so conflicted. If it did turn out that i was that student, then it'd mean going poly next year for sure, cuz i absolutely will NOT stay back and stick with another year of being J1. Never. So that'd mean freedom. Or am i simply looking at this perspective with rose-tinted lenses? That poly would be so much easier? At the same time, the fact that i freaked out made me realise that i do care about my results. Even if don't work hard for them. Half of me wants to stick with next year, the part that wants that darn A level cert, half of me wants to drop out and go poly, cuz i'm such a lazy brat, i hate studying. Hey, look at jessie, she churned out an engineering degree, but at the end of it, look at what she's working as now: a human resources manager. She admitted herself that that engineering degree she has is redundant for her current job, and that that degree was just to satisfy my aunt and uncle. In the end, what is it the government wants? Just a U cert from every employee, just to prove that X has been to U, so that X will simply get a higher pay just cuz of that? Inspite of the fact that the degree course X had taken is absolutely redundant the X's job?

Monday, October 13, 2003 | Monday, October 13, 2003

Kinda sad when you can't even communicate to your grandfather. Feel so useless, have never felt useful in my whole life, come to think of it now. My grandad just called twice in a row; twice i spoke haltingly to him in mandarin telling him my mum wasn't home, and that i would ask her to call him back. Once he hung up on me, i think he couldn't hear a single word. Next when he called, i yelled at him in mandarin the exact words again, but he just mumbled something, supposedly to the person beside him. Argh. I've never felt so removed from my roots before. Come to think of it now, my siblings and i are supposed to have the best of both worlds; i mean, my mum's side speaks teochew, my dad's side speaks malay cuz they're babas, so technically we children should be able to speak both right? Well we don't know crap about both, our parents never taught us. How the hell are we supposed to pick it up, when i've only heard it like less than 0.001% in my whole 17 years? So many friends know their own dialects, i'm officially monolingual. Useless. Traumatising. I remember how in pri 3 my chinese teacher would make me stand in front of the whole class for getting the lousiest grades for oral, and how in pri 4 my teacher rubbed the darn cane on my face, again for getting the lousiest grades. How stupid i felt in pri 1 when i couldn't remember the word for 'garden' during oral. How i'd have to stay back til 5 everyday for chinese remedials in pri 6 preparing for psle. The best year, chinese-wise, was when i managed a band 1 in pri 2 for chinese:) My best and only moment of chinese pride. Secondary school didn't create much impact, guess by then i'd grown up not caring already. My grades showed my effort though, only managed to scrap through Os by getting a 6. Thankfully. When we were given the q in promos to comment on the recent introduction of the method using both english and chinese to teach chinese in pri school, i had so much to say...but in broken chinese though. What the heck, can't wait for ao chinese to be over, though somehow, i got a feeling i'll be sitting for all three. Ahah.

Saturday, October 11, 2003 | Saturday, October 11, 2003

Right now, i'm feeling tired with life, tired at heart, tired in spirit, and tired in body. I'm so tired i just want to get through life as quickly as possible. After all, isn't there a more wonderful life up there in heaven? Can't wait. Can't shake off this heavy load inside, it's draining me and making me all depressed. I can't smile anymore. I have tried so hard, but no matter how hard i try, in the end when i'm alone in my room in the darkness at night, the load just magnifies itself. I have tried to, i tried talking to all close ones around, anything under the sun, but then i'd get irritated and shout or scream. I tried writing in my journal, but then i'd just throw it aside. I tried flirting, but then i'd just get sick at heart. I tried praying, but the words can't seem to come out. It's all choked up. I tried watching tv, but then i'd start crying when certain scenes flash pass. I tried taking a walk downstairs in all the greenery, but then it'd just remind me of the past. I tried shopping in Orchard, but then i'd just wind up walking aimlessly about. Is there any way i can get my life into equilibrium again? I hate feeling this way, i'm not indulging in depression, i hate indulging in depression.

| Saturday, October 11, 2003

Did i mention? That nic and i went to pig out at yaki yuki at ciineleisure from 1220 to 1530.. Gosh. I've never spent so much on food before, like $35.7o?! Food was never my main priority...til i realised yesterday i lost 1 kg this past week from cutting back on meals cuz of stress. And it's alot, considering that my bmi is only 18.. Need to gain back weight. Anyway, it was the first time in my life making the ice cream myself, so fun! Even though nic was doing most of the cooking, the cleaning, the scraping..ok you get the gist. I was mostly watching her, fascinated, by all the wonderful gadgets the japs dream up of. You know the frying pan can actually sprout water?! And make ice cream too?! OKay, maybe I'm just a hillybilly. omg omg omg omgomg.

Friday, October 10, 2003 | Friday, October 10, 2003

I wonder why i don't feel happy. Even though promos are over. Guess it's cuz i know i did badly, and screwed up, or guess it's cuz i have nothing forward to look to. It's all going to be neverending, don't you see? Okay, assuming you (me, me, talking about me) even make it to J2 next year, there's still As to take, and it's all going to be this cycle of work work work again. Not to mention the drastic increase in stress. I've relied on stress alone to get me past all these years. Stress was the only thing that would and will motivate me to study. Nothing else..cuz i still don't even have a clear picture of what i want to be in future even now, at 17! And i've come to realise that stress alone will not let you do well in jc. May have worked for Os, but simply won't with As. With no goal, except the blind aim to get into NUS, where's the motivation? I don't have one for sure. Do i really care enough to want to get a degree? Sometimes, i just want to throw everything aside and just go take mass comm in poly. Who cares if i don't get into NUS because of that. Who cares. I'd just be some low-paid diploma graduate, cuz i have no intention (and no means) of studying overseas. This past week has been insane; i'm just not me anymore. Just mentally strained. Psychological or mental struggle? I scream out my anguish to God, i'm soothed..for a little while, but it all comes back in the end.

Sunday, October 05, 2003 | Sunday, October 05, 2003

It's really amazing how playing the piano can soothe you..been playing it daily for the past few days, all my favourites like pachelbel, gymnopedie, on the golden pond etc etc. Was feeling so stressed early afternoon, just crying and smiling, crying and writing in journal..felt like some insane person. Ever felt stressed, but not doing a single shit about it? That's me, the super procrastinator. But anyway, felt better after praying and playing the piano. Thank goodness my cousin arrived to come study with me, else i'd be going bonkers now. Did i mention i'm gonna get a NEW piano?! Omg omg i want the silent version; like that i can then play even at midnight w/o feeling guilty. My sis wants to take the current one with her to her new home when she's married :) Can't wait for friday to arrive, sigh. And my mum just offered me 5o bucks if i'd let her keep my hp til thursday night. 5o bucks! *drool. By all means mummy! Ohh, and just realised, practically all my cousins (and sis) will be married next year; period would be around june to sept.. Just imagine, them grown up and married..of course, my brother hasn't changed one bit being married for 4 months already, except for his current dressing sense (the toot toot pinstripe kind, eee) Feel so old suddenly. I don't want to grow up, i want to stay young and carefree and play with my barbie dolls; no worries about relationships, commitments, ppl.. Time passes so fast.. Still feeling sore about missing my brother's tea ceremony on May 31st cuz of that crappy gp mid years. Like, it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing and i can't even be excused to attend it. Okay, back to studying. And i swear if i make it to next year, i'll be a changed person. Reformed of my procrastinating nature.

Thursday, October 02, 2003 | Thursday, October 02, 2003

The third consecutive night...

Wednesday, October 01, 2003 | Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Gawsh, i so stink. Just came back from mugging in sch library. And i've decided to sit on those comfy looking sofas to mug tmr :) Have backache now from bending over all those notes. Just one week and 2 days more! You can do it! Sigh, really hate the fact that lit has three papers. Oh...! and i just remembered why i stink. apart from the fact that it's been a long day and what. The deciding factor was when kevin spat his mouthful of water on me...mostly on my head. *shudder. That kuku just had to turn his head conveniently to where i was sitting to do his sputtering. Sigh...why do i feel so victimised. Anyway, I'm braindead now. And empty. One thing: do what you dream about in your sleep reflect what you desire? or what can never happen? Or is it God-sent, meant to tell you something? Or a spiritual attack, tempting you? Because it's uncanny, been having this dream concerning the same matter for two consecutive nights.